I'm about to share something very personal but I hope it will help anyone who reads this to speak up and get the help you deserve.
As previously mentioned on my blog and interviews I have suffered from Mental Health problems since my early teens.
I spent all my life thinking I didn't really fit in. If you ask any of my closest friends they will say I have an unusual way of seeing the world and have always wanted the world to like me. I have lived in a constant state of paranoia my whole life.
I spent the past 10 years a loner, I would usually be to scared to make friends, or if I did I would have this fear they didn't like me or I wasn't good enough. I know as a fully grown adult you would think I would have grown out of this, however with the pressure of work, not skateboarding anymore due to an injury and the every growing need to experience so much out of life, social media I must say made this part particularly worse I had a break down!
I spent time thinking what could I do to break this, I was scared, ashamed and thought no one would understand not at my age. I often would hear "pull yourself together" or "you're just being weird Charlotte" or so I thought in my head.
Romantic relationships were a no no, I just couldn't believe someone would want to love me, so I would look for things that were wrong and push people away.
I couldn't sleep, eat or concentrate on work for years, I was a walking time bomb! One minute I'd be ok and the next the world would be collapsing around me all in the space of a fews days, even hours sometimes.
I read this now and I worry some one will read this and think I'm being dramatic or wonder why didn't she pull herself together but when your brain doesn't function, the brain paths are broken honestly there is no controlling it!
It was only until I rang my mum around 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon and said "Mum I have a cup of pills here by my bed, I'm a failure to everyone and I don't want to live, I can't function like this anymore I'm sorry".
I knew in that moment I was crying out for help.
That's was the moment I knew if I don't get help or tell someone I'm going to do something terrible. It was the most frightening experience and very confusing. I just wasn't myself I had lost the world to live, blurry eyes and just walked around like a zombie.
Anna my sister in Law came rushing to my house and just sat with me for hours we talked and it was the first time in all my life I could be honest and say I find life really hard, help me!
The next day I went straight to my GP who was amazing, I was put on anti depressants which I didn't want to do but they have saved my life. I have started a exercise programme and a new healthy normal diet. I was referred to a Healthy Mind Charity who I now talk to on a weekly basis. I'm also a member of The Big White Wall online website where you can talk to others, draw your feelings, learn how to live with mental health issues.
Having been diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder, strains of Bipolar and Anxiety, I felt a huge relieve to be honest with myself because after 20 years of just putting up with it, destroying relationships, my career and friendships I could now start to look after myself and control the negative thoughts so I can enjoy these things again.
Despite all of this I was still able to produce a book which I find madness and I think it's through the love and support of my family, my boyfriend and the girls being so welcoming that got me to achieve this project.
Thank you !
I hope reading this today you can see that anyone can suffer from Mental Health problems and it's nothing to be ashamed of. There is so much help out there now and talking actually helps in a big way.
I'm glad I spoke out before it was too late because I can now enjoy the simple things in life, I take it much slower and I'm really invested in my new friendships, my family and love - more than ever!
I want to be frank, I do still have the odd down day, that's human nature but they are nothing like they used to be and with daily practice I'm able to live a normal life.
Below are helplines you can call if you ever just need to chat :
The Recovery Letters
Tel: 0808 808 4994
Tel: 116 123 (Free)
Friends in Need
Aware Defeat Depression
Helpline: 08451 202 961
Campaign Against Living Miserably
Helpline: 0800 58 58 58
Papyrus HOPElineUK: 0800 068 41 41
Freephone: 0808 808 4994 (1pm - 11pm)
Helpline: 0800 018 2138
Helpline: 0800 1111
Helpline: 0800 138 8889
SADA (Seasonal Affective Disorder Association)
Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393
0300 304 7000
Tel: 0333 323 3880
Time to Change
Tel: 0300 5000 927